


Cruel and Unusual Punishment

by ShadowHaloedAngel



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Again, Broken Bones, Clint is in medical, Clint needs to stay out of medical, How to train your archer, M/M, Phil is very patient
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-20
Updated: 2013-06-20
Packaged: 2017-12-15 13:04:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/849883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShadowHaloedAngel/pseuds/ShadowHaloedAngel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I would like to reassure Tea for Two readers that the next chapter is just waiting to be beta'd and then it'll be up. The delay is due to my exams which are now over. I'll be off to China next week, but I'll be trying to keep up with my writing while I'm there</p><p>Clint is in medical. Clint needs to stop ending up in medical. Coulson is trying to find incentives why.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cruel and Unusual Punishment

**Author's Note:**

  * For [flightinflame](https://archiveofourown.org/users/flightinflame/gifts).



He was in medical. He knew he was in medical without even bothering to open his eyes, so familiar was he with the texture of the crisp and slightly itchy sheets, the antiseptic stink which turned his stomach and burned his nose, and the beeping of the monitors which always seemed to surround him every time he woke up here. And this was the sixth time this year. Well, that made it one a month on the plus side, so at least he was consistent on that front. That made him feel slightly better about it all. There was a semblance of routine. He doubted it was a routine that Coulson or Natasha would approve of. They liked it when things were predictable and went to plan, and in Coulson's case when the proper paperwork was done. There was a lot of paperwork involved in trips to medical. But they didn't tend to like it when he ended up here.

"I know you're awake, Barton."

Well, that little moment of peace and quiet reflection hadn't lasted long. He cracked open an eye to see a distinctly underwhelmed looking Phil Coulson staring down at him.

"What gave me away?"

"I know you. I'll give you credit for the fact that your breathing didn't even change. You're getting good at the whole feigning unconsciousness thing. But the only one who knows you better than me is Natasha. And she doesn't sleep with you every night. Some nights, I'll grant you, but not every night."

"Uh-huh. And how do I know you actually knew, and haven't just been sitting there saying that at random intervals to try to catch me out?"

"Because you know me just as well, and it would have been a waste of my time."

"That's true. Can't waste time rambling at me when there's paperwork to be done."

"There is /always/ paperwork to be done. Usually following something you have done, whether singularly as in you yourself, or in the plural sense, as in you and the team. You have a knack beyond that which should be possible of generating paperwork. I have had to create new forms for some of the things you've done."

"Ah but Sir..." Clint was grinning now "We all know how much you love paperwork, it's our way of saying we love you and letting you know we care."

"Well in that case you can stop showing me. What will it take to convince you i'm aware of the fact?"

"Well..." Clint's face was mockingly solemn and earnest, "We're all fundamentally fucked up people who only know how to show love in very limited and restricted ways. Our way of communicating our affection to you is to create paperwork for you so you'll never forget we exist. You wouldn't want to deny us that, now would you?"

Coulson smacked him around the head, and leant in for a kiss. Clint returned it without complaining, a shit eating grin on his face.

"Love you too, Phil. Besides, what am I in here for?"

"You broke your leg?"

"Which one?"

"The left one."

"Oh. Well at least I'm alternating."

"That's not a good thing, Clint. You need those."

"No I don't." Clint pointed out, in a totally reasonable tone of voice, "I need my arms. Legs are just a bonus. I can shoot without them, I can still do my job. And besides, if I lost one Tony would just make me a totally pimped out robot one."

"Do you really want a leg with personality?"

"Not everything Tony makes has personality!"

"No, but most things do, and if I had anything to say about it, your leg would have the personality of Dummy. And you would be stuck with it. All the time."

"There's nothing wrong with Dummy! He's perfect!"

"He's wonderful, yes, but he can't always be relied upon to do the task at hand and I can imagine that having regular arguments with your leg about how things work is something that you might not take entirely kindly to and which might be a tad frustrating."

"You are a real fan of cruel and unusual punishment, aren't you Coulson."

"Cruel and unusual is about the only kind that works on you."

"That's unfair. I resent that. That is unfair and unwarranted criticism. Can I have a blowjob now?"

"No." 

Clint made a sputtering noise of disbelief, staring at him in betrayal as Coulson just grinned and pushed his sunglasses back up his nose, straightening and collecting the files, standing up to leave.

"Cruel and unusual, remember?"


End file.
